"I don't think anyone will know until they read it," she says, "if they read it. I just couldn't work out what was behind the continuing rift with the team's staff. "'You are in control of this Vicky. No one would mind because you justify to yourself that it would be the kindest thing to do to disappear, you’d be doing everyone else a favour. Having a year to make up for all that commitment is not unreasonable.". "I mean, I did use to wear boys clothes, but just generally I was not very comfortable in my own skin. ... she will have a row with the leaders of British Cycling about her relationship with one of their support staff. He had lots of friends to cycle with anyway. She suspects they will be relieved not to have to deal with her any more. “He rang my family and my brother came over. This angered Magné. Regular exercise is also important to me, spending time with the people I love and removing negative personalities from my life. Ms Pendleton, 37, ... Georgia lawmaker arrested in voting law row 2. “It’s sad when it’s all you’ve ever known – to let it go and move on,” she admits. Meanwhile, her five-year marriage to Scott, whom she met while training for the 2008 Beijing Olympics when he was a sports scientist at British Cycling, broke down, with the pair saying that they had “grown apart”. It was a male-dominated environment, and it is clear she felt an unworthy outsider at first, training alongside the men's elite squad, including Chris Hoy and Bradley Wiggins. ", She arrived at Northumbria University to study sport science, and started going to the gym every day. “I’m not afraid of being myself any more. To see all content on The Sun, please use the Site Map. The 40-year-old sporting star, who is one of 12 celebs attempting to row the entire length of Britain, fell unconscious shortly after she complained to the medic she was experiencing pain in her arm. Growing up in Bedfordshire with twin brother Alex, older sister Nicola, her amateur cyclist father Max and mother Pauline, she’d shown a fierce competitive spirit from an early age, but also felt a deep sense of inadequacy. ", As the months went on, she began to doubt herself. Following her near suicide attempt, she was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time and put on tranquillisers and sleeping tablets, on top of antidepressants. Yet Victoria couldn’t have felt more at ease in front of the camera, her confidence signalling she truly has turned a corner. For someone to describe my character, and Scott's character, in such derogatory terms, was very hurtful. Really, really good at something, so people are vaguely impressed by me. Don't Rock The Boat viewers praised Adam Thomas after he stepped in to defend Craig Charles in his row with Victoria Pendleton. Now, when I start to feel down, I pick it up a lot quicker and do something about it. Both knew this wasn't allowed; a relationship between a member of the coaching staff and an athlete was considered unprofessional. ", She is "pretty worried" about the book coming out, she says. "I'm someone who wears their heart on their sleeve," she says. I really want to, but no. “I’ve always felt like I needed to have someone else in my life to validate myself in some way. For further details of our complaints policy and to make a complaint please click this link: thesun.co.uk/editorial-complaints/, Victoria Pendleton talks to Fabulous about hitting rock bottom after divorce and regaining control of her life, The Olympic gold-winning cyclist feels she has finally conquered her demons, Stunning Victoria recalls how she felt 'vulnerable' when she was athlete, The cycling star says everyone finds her 'very confusing', Victoria with her ex-husband Scott Gardner, After hanging up her cycling career, Victoria found herself unsure of what she could offer the world aside from 'pedalling fast', Victoria winning gold at the London 2012 Olympics, The gold medallist on her televised charity climb of Mount Everest with Ben Fogle, Athletes Adam Gemili, Victoria Pendleton, Danny Care and Oisin Murphy take on one of the fastest horses in the world, British Cycling’s team psychiatrist Dr Steve Peters, Independent Press Standards Organisation (IPSO). “The thing with the tattoos is, I really feel like I’m in a position in my life where being judged doesn’t concern me,” says Victoria. And I'm still performing, so people are like – well, why are you still producing gold medals then, if it's so bad? "I was very worried." I remember thinking I looked weird, skinny and boyish – the bus driver mistook me for a boy a few times. "Oh gosh, yeah." "Within the first two weeks," she says. But I'm in love with Scott, and I wouldn't change that. IT'S taken eight turbulent years, a crushing divorce and a near-suicide attempt, but retired double Olympic gold-winning cyclist Victoria Pendleton has finally conquered her demons. This August marks eight years since the nine-time world champion, who won gold in Beijing in 2008 and at London 2012, packed in turning left for a living, announcing she was “too old to carry on” competitive cycling at the age of 30. "But this time, I want a massive knees-up with the family – and loads of margaritas! The words ring in my head as I hang up the phone after our second conversation. "I had always feared letting down figures of authority," Pendleton writes, "my dad most of all, and so I felt diminished by disappointing Fred. "For the first time in my life, I’ve tried to embrace just being me and being OK with that. "Because she was a personality that was so full of life and energy, and beautiful and talented, and you think: ‘How? Victoria began to feel suicidal and would fantasise about the ways she could take her life. Victoria pendleton death row dinner – Yep we never thought we'd see these words in the same sentence, but the former Olympian has really taken us by surprise. Once they had decided they were serious, they told Shane Sutton, head coach at British Cycling; he and Dave Brailsford, the performance director, agreed the relationship should be kept quiet in the buildup to Beijing. But she says she wanted to send a message to other people that you could have problems like these, get past them, and succeed. It really didn't feel like I fitted in. 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